Time is a precious thing in todays world. Everyone wishes for more or less depending on the situation. For myself, I wish to bottle it. Maybe Jim Groce is right.
I would bottle this uncertainity and watch it float away in the ocean.
Tonight I have had a truth brought upon my life. – What the hell am I doing? What am I wanting to prove? Music has been so huge in my life and now the one form that I am so familiar with is on the brink of changing members, sound, maybe shutting down.
I hate this feeling. One of the best drummers I have ever played with is leaving the group. He wants to go back to school and to his family in Raleigh. I can’t be mad at him, I am proud that he is making changes. My singer is onthe fence with life as well. He does not want things to continue the way they are with the band. I don’t either. I feel that business needs to be taken care of . . but . . .
The back of my head continues to buzz with this phrase “What if it were gone?”
For some, the leaving of a band or separation of a band might seem silly. I assure you all that it is not.
A band is a very dysfunctional family that will go out of their way to put themselves in the worst conditions that life has to offer. We do this because of the stage. We do this because the idea of playing music for the public is so strong that we itch when we are down for a couple weeks.
When you join a band, you marry the other bandmates. You share a part of your life with those people, that no one gets to. When problems arise, they are real and they hurt.
SO why do I do it? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. The idea of laying down something that I have put 110% into forthe past 3 years makes me vomit. I get sick with the thought. But the thought of starting again with a new drumer and possible sound makes me sick as well.
I hate this time of uncertainity.
At 35 years, I thought I would be at a different stage in life. Sure I am where I feel I need to be job wise, marriage wise. But inthe dream catagory – I am a little slim. When and how does one close a chapter without regret?
Is this book of my life closing? A little cramatic, sure, but it is a divorce in a sense. Hell, you end up splitting up the stuff in the end.
It is almost as if I am not playing bass, what the hell am I doing? I honestly do not know what I woul do with the free time. When does one realize that they have to walk away?
GOD I hate this feeling.
